"A lot of problems of the world will disappear if we talk to each other not about each other" - unknown
The quote above aptly summarises my findings after studying conflict resolution under different cultures. I discovered that cultures where speaking with people you have issues with rather talking to others about them, have less inter-personal conflicts, and this might interest you - they live longer.
Reflecting on gossip and slander, do you know that one is punishable by law?
Do you also know that, men gossip more than women, according to a global research company www.onepoll.com, shocking isn't it?
Somewhere in the world, scientists prove that gossiping is healthy and will even make you live longer. Ummmm....... do i agree with this finding?
You will have to continue reading to find out.
What i know is that, talking about people is inherent in our DNA. It is human to discuss others, everyone has done it, does it and will probably continue or discontinue after reading this.
Leave a comment as to what you will do going forward after reading the article.
And before you swipe right or swipe 'away' (if there's anything like that), i ask you to give me a few minutes, i will really, really try to make this post very short though there are many things to say. Trusting that at the end of the read, you will be wide-eyed about gossip and slander.
First definition of terms, this is very interesting:
Gossip
According to Oxford Dictionary, Gossip means: Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details which are not confirmed as true.
Cambridge Dictionary defines Gossip as: conversation or reports about other people's private lives that might be unkind, disapproving, or not true:
Word Origin: late Old English godsibb, ‘godfather, godmother, baptismal sponsor’, literally ‘a person related to one in God’, from god ‘God’ + sibb ‘a relative’ (as in sibling).
In Middle English the sense was ‘a close friend, a person with whom one gossips’, hence ‘a person who gossips’,
This alludes to the fact that only those that know you, can talk about you.
Slander
According to Oxford Dictionary, Slander means: The action or crime of making a false spoken statement damaging to a person's reputation.
Cambridge Dictionary defines Slander as: a false spoken statement about someone that damages their reputation, or the making of such a statement:
Word Origin: Middle English: from Old French esclandre, alteration of escandle, from late Latin scandalum (relates to the word scandal).
In summary, gossip is light talk about a person that may or may not be true. Slander is outright lies about a person's actions or character and can seriously harm their reputation.
Does Gossip or Slander make you Live Longer?
I bet you were shocked at my intro, when i said some scientists say gossiping make one live longer. Viewing it from a sociological perspective, they say it is a social skill not a character flaw. People who gossip use it to further their own reputation and interest ahead of others, that alone is uncanny and doesn't sit well with me at all.
They also went further to say that when you don't gossip, you are socially isolated. Ummmm..... the wisdom of man.
Let's take a look at the Book, co-authored by the wisest Being in existence. The bible has a lot to say about speech and the tongue.
It actually linked your tongue to your life and destiny
For the Scriptures say,
“If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies.- 1 Peter 3:10 (NLT)
A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit. - Proverbs 15:4 (KJV)
In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself - James 3:5-6 (NLT)
If the bible says that God hates some things, i think we should take those things seriously especially if we want to see Him and be with Him in the life hereafter.
Proverbs 6
16 These six things the Lord hates, Yes, seven are an abomination to Him:
17 A proud look, A lying tongue, Hands that shed innocent blood,
18 A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that are swift in running to evil,
19 A false witness who speaks lies, And one who sows discord among brethren.
How gossip affects our actual perception of people and the world
In the study, according to Big Think, researchers used a typical paradigm used to study visual processing, binocular rivalry. Which simply means that objects in your view compete for attention on which one will actually dominate and be visible for a much longer period of time than the other. Often, this happens because of simple physical characteristics of the image (i.e, luminance, contrast), or because of its content (for instance, emotional images tend to dominate over non-emotional ones).
In this case, subjects saw neutral faces, with exactly the same visual properties. In theory, neither image should have been dominant, and none of the faces should have stood out from one another. However, there was a crucial prior step. Each face had first been associated with a piece of gossip – either positive, negative, or neutral.
What happened? Faces that had been paired with negative gossip dominated far longer than any other stimulus. This was not true of either positive or neutral gossip. Hearing something negative about a person, then, can actually influence our basic visual processing, causing us to choose to focus on that person over other possible people (and objects).
WOW!!!😲
The consequences of focusing on the negative
So, gossip—especially of the nasty kind—not only influences our perceptions in a more abstract sense (Who do we like? Who don’t we like? Who matters?), but also in a very literal sense, physically changing the way we see the world.
Is this a good thing? Some might argue that yes, it is. It could help protect us from people who do bad things: we focus on them for longer, learn more about them and their behaviours, and in so doing, are better able to deal with the consequences and identify similar bad events, like lying or stealing or cheating, in the future.
However, what about false gossip, or the malicious spread of rumours – something that has become increasingly widespread in the world of social media? (Read more by clicking Big Think above).
One thing to note is that a Gossip, controls your mind whether you like it or not. That’s why it is bad. God doesn’t want anyone or anything to control us except His Spirit (you might put to question God’s desire to control us, simple: HE CREATED US FOR HIS PLEASURE). Though he created us, He still honours our freewill and won’t impose. One fruit of the spirit we have not really taught on so much is self control. We need to control what we listen to as well as, have an unusual ability to distil information. When people speak to us, or when we hear things, a gateway to our mind is opened and information is received. What we then do or don’t do consciously or unconsciously will either enhance our life or degrade it.
How do you handle this?
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. - Ephesians 4:29 (KJV)
From that verse, DO NOT LET it.
Gossip is not approved by God and the bible. The bible has different names for it - talebearer, backbiting etc
A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends. - Proverbs 16:28 (NIV) (See Proverbs 11:13; 18:8; 20:19; 26:20, 22)
Paul in his second letter to the church in Corinth spoke about gossip and slander:
For I cut afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder. - 2 Corinthians 12:20 (NIV)
Slander is a serious sin. Like its cousin gossip, slander is incredibly destructive. It “lies in wait for blood” (Proverbs 12:6), “destroys neighbours” (Proverbs 11:9), and “separates close friends” (Proverbs 16:28). But while both gossip and slander involve destructive speech, slander adds the additional element of dishonesty.
Gossip spreads the fire, but slander sparks it.
It’s acutely painful to be slandered, and pastors and ministry leaders are particularly easy targets. Precisely because it’s such a serious sin, we must be especially careful to guard our hearts when it happens to us. One of the easiest ways to be led into sin is when we’re sinned against.
Here are two more tips for responding with wisdom and grace when slandered.
Commit your reputation to the Lord
It’s sometimes right to to defend your reputation before those who’ve slandered you, especially if you’re in a leadership role and the slander damages the ministry. But in my observation, it’s often better to stay silent, trust in the Lord, and let truth be your greatest advocate in the long run. Vengeance belongs to Him, don’t go about trying to revenge.
‘Revenge isn’t of God, vengeance is Godly’ - Chukwudum Obi
A certain event occurred in my life and my Dad single recurring instruction until he died was “keep quiet! Don’t defend yourself, let God fight your battle”. Sincerely, I will be honest, it wasn’t easy to stay silent in the face of slander, ’white lies’, false accusations and even persecution.
I love Spurgeon's metaphor:
“A great lie, if unnoticed, is like a big fish out of water—it dashes and plunges and beats itself to death in a short time.”
Confront the slanderer in Love
I started this post with an observation from different cultures where confronting the offender goes a long way in defusing the bomb of conflict.
And it is not surprising that Jesus also advocated we do this:
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. - Matthew 5:23-24 (NIV)
It is amazing how often people can engage in the sin of slander without realising it. Therefore, the most loving thing you can do for all parties concerned—including the slanderer—is to gently, lovingly confront. Such a conversation should be done in person, not over email, text, phone, or social media. In certain situations, it might be helpful to bring a friend or outside party trusted by both parties, though I think it generally best to begin by going alone first because bringing someone else in too quickly can escalate the situation.
It’s important to go in “a spirit of gentleness” (Galatians. 6:1), and not put the other on the defensive with a fault-finding or accusatory tone. Endeavour to the best of your ability to overcome evil with good.
As I end this, does that mean we shouldn’t talk about anyone any more?
Am not saying that at all, will tell you a story told by Kenneth Hagin which I believe will answer that question.
He met a man who he said from his looks would be in his early or mid fifties, but when he spoke with the man, he said he was in his eighties (if I remember correctly). And he was shocked and he inquired from the man his secret, all his teeth in tact, no hair loss and he was barely grey haired.
The man responded quoting the scripture I started with:
For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile: - 1 Peter 3:10 (KJV)
The man said God gave him this secret and told him never to utter anything bad about anyone. Kenneth Hagin went ahead and told of how this man was invited to speak at the funeral of the man in his town who was popular for his notoriety. When where one could find anything good to say about the deceased, this man pointed out how the man had lovely eyes.
It is in your power to choose to speak ill or good about someone, though emotions may weigh on us to speak evil, always find the good in every man or woman.
I recently found my self in a group when a particular man always had something not so good to say about another person, I quickly marked him and avoided him.
You have the power, put it to use.
💗
See you at the next one!
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